The sweet scent of fall is in the air. The leaves are already beginning to change colors. You’re first summer earth side is coming to an end and I’m just beginning to clear the baby fog. Everything about these last few months has been different then I expected. Even though I didn’t know what to expect, it still seems like a dream. You came into in my arms much quicker, dare I say easier, and without a glitch that I almost didn’t write this post at all. Your story just seemed to easy. To uneventful.
But it’s your story. Your story of beginning. Your first breath. So I am writing it.
You had me in anticipation for weeks. I truly thought I wouldn’t make it to our due date, but there I sat three days past and still pregnant. Both my mind and body ready to be done, ready to meet your sweet face. When things finally started rock’n and roll’n I had to be convinced to go to the hospital. Your Daddy doing his best to be supportive but also realistic finally convinced me. I didn’t want to stall out like before.
I remember when it finally hit me that we needed to be at the hospital, we were walking out to the car and I nearly collapsed from a contraction. My eyes went blurry and I leaned on the car trying to breath through it. When it finally let up, I turned around and our doula said ‘let’s go to the hospital and have a baby.’ All I could do was nod and say yes.
Nearly 8 centimeters when we were admitted to the hospital, things did not stall out. With every contraction I pictured holding you in my arms. Holding Crosby. I truly believe focusing on holding you and seeing your face is what made it so much easier this time.
Up to this point no one knew if you were a boy or a girl. Except me. I knew.
I kept it a secret from your daddy because he didn’t want to know. How I managed to do that for almost 20 weeks I shall never know. But I did and I’m so glad I did. I loved holding the secret. I never knew I wanted a boy until I had you. You are proving every assumption I had wrong.
My water broke at the very end and pushed me over to a full 10cm and you were well on your way. I knew when I was pushing you were going to be bigger then your sister. MUCH bigger. At 7:06 pm all 8lbs 11oz of you came into my arms. A perfectly round head and long body fit perfectly across my. You nestled in and I felt a bliss I missed when I had your sister. I was exhausted, bruised, and bloody but I was so utterly joy filled to have you in my arms finally.
Those first few weeks of your life were as hard as I remember. A mix of emotions, exhausted, and weak we all struggled to find our new roles. You cried a lot and needed to be held almost all the time. You struggled to find your own balance in a new world. I did my best to comfort and provide the safe haven you so clearly needed.
I always thought when your sister was a baby that just when you couldn’t handle a phase any longer, it changed. And at 6 weeks you did. You were smiling and chill. You loved watching your sister. The newborn phase was behind us. You were becoming a baby. And a happy joyful baby at that.
I thought I knew what I wanted, but God knew better. He gave me an angel my heart longed for.
xoxo – Your mama.