“I felt you. You were a pea. Then a lemon. Then an eggplant. I followed advice. I read twelve books. I quit caffeine. Could you tell I was scared? I talked to you, sang to you… I wasn’t ready. But then you were here. Ten toes. Eight pounds. Love. Big fat love. I held you. I fed you. I realized that I would spend my life doing things to make you happy — and that that would make me happy. And then there are the times I want to give up. You’ve made me rethink my sanity. You’ve made me want to fall at my mother’s feet and tell her that I get it. But then you smile and you say my name — and you grab my hand with those little fingers. We’re growing together. We are seeing the world like it’s new. I will open my heart and love will rain down all over you. You’ll giggle, and I’ll do it all over again. And we will walk hand in hand. Until you let go. I made you, but you made me a mother.”
I had no idea I wanted a boy. My heart thought it wanted a house full of girls. My girls. Sisters for Delilah. And then God showed me life doesn’t always go the way even you think you’re heart wants to go. Sometimes it can be even more amazing. I gave birth to a beautiful little cherub boy we named Crosby Douglas and my heart burst wide open for something I had no idea I even wanted or thought was missing. He is fitting in so easily into our little family I can’t even picture a girl now. Just him. My little Crosby.
Day by day we find our way and lean into grace as we bump along learning to be a family of four. Gratefully we have family, friends, and the best neighbors to lean on. It has not been easy, and the mama guilt has been enormous but I know it takes time. We’re only a week into this adventure and there’s so much more to learn. We will get there, I’ve seen the light. And I have so many thoughts to share but struggle to find the words right now. Again I lean even further into grace and knowing that time will heal and time will reveal all I need. For now, I’m grateful to be 100% focused on my family and being the best mama I can as we navigate new waters.