Finding Motherhood
{I wrote this just after Delilah’s first birthday reflecting back on what a year it had been. It was first published HERE}
Running my hands thru her brown hair I realized what a year this has been. A year of so many transitions. A year of so much growth for all of us. I could feel the fog lifting and everything becoming clearer. The trials and blissful moments all making sense in the big picture of the last year. Things I couldn’t see a year ago as a new mom.
Motherhood is infinitely rewarding but equally as hard and scary. Ask any mother and they will tell you the same thing. But what no one really talks about is the transition that happens. Somehow you’re just suppose to effortlessly move into this new role and everything will be wonderful because you have this beautiful little bundle of joy. I mean how could you not be blissfully happy?
It was not easy for me. Maybe it is for some, but I’m here to say it’s not always easy for everyone. I struggled a lot in the beginning. I struggled to find my intuition and I struggled with mama guilt. And I tore myself to pieces on the inside when I didn’t know what to do or say. It was not depression though, which is something different and I pray if you’re struggling with to seek help. I read something awhile back about a piece of you dieing when you have a child and it felt exactly like what was going on inside me.
My pre-mama self was gone. She no longer existed and I honestly cried over that. I wanted her back. I wanted to be the same person I was before. In a lot of ways I am, but I had to let her go so that a new mama self could emerge out of the ashes of labor and delivery. I had to find my intuition, my voice to be a mother. I had to learn that priorities change, dreams change and that’s more then ok. I had to fall in love with the new little human in my life.
I don’t like giving how to’s or do this and everything will be perfect, because that’s not the way it works for anything. What works for me may not work for you. I believe in sharing my story in hopes that you can learn something as well and use it in your own life. This is my story of rising out of the ashes.
The sun was warm and bright the day we left the hospital, the opposite of how I was feeling on the inside. There seemed to be a fog over everything, I thought I could will it away and just focus on this beautiful little baby in my arms, but I knew something had changed. I entered a war zone of the heart and was now on the other side in charge of putting the pieces back together. And there were a million pieces.
To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel the overwhelming love everyone seems to talk about. I felt more in shock then love. Yes I loved her but it would be many months before I felt that overwhelming heart arch of love. And I beat myself up for it for a very long time. I worried about everything I did. Was I feeding her often enough? Was I reading to her enough? Maybe she should take naps in her crib? Maybe I should carry her more instead of putting her on the floor? Does she need more floor time. Complete insanity. My poor heart and head were a mess until a good friend said, ‘stop listening to everyone else and start listening to your own heart.’
I found grace in knowing that I didn’t have all the answers and that was ok. No one has all the answers. I found grace in quieting all the voices so that I could hear my own voice. I found grace in learning what Delilah needed. I found grace in learning to trust my own instincts instead of relying on books, friends, relatives, and every good intending stranger with an opinion. I found grace in being a mother.
With every new milestone there are questions of what do we do now?! How is this suppose to work? And always, am I doing enough? Starting solids was a terrifying thought for me. So many questions and I felt like no answers. One step at a time though we started introducing real food. I felt like I was learning right along side her. And in a lot of ways I was, and still am.
We traveled for almost a month straight when she was 6 months old, so we were forced to loosen our grip and just make due in the moment. We bought all her pure (I really wanted to make it all for her). We gave her so many baguettes while we were in France that she still doesn’t like our bread here. (baguettes make a fantastic teether too!)
I just keep telling myself that eating is a life long skill and to not worked up about it…at least not to much. She will eat when she’s hungry and given enough opportunities eat healthy food and learn sweets are ok in moderation. She’ll learn how to eat from watching us. Even now I still have to remind myself sometimes when she’s refusing to eat anything, not to get worked up about it. Do the best I can and she will be fine. That’s all any of us can do right?
In late October when D was 8 months old I decided to take a trip to the mountains with a group of girls for two nights. It was scary to leave her behind even though I trusted my husband and knew they would be fine. I also knew I needed some quiet time. I was stressing to much, worrying to much, and obsessing over things…my personal signs I need a break.
Before I left, D was waking multiples times a night, nursing almost every time. She was all over the place with her naps and we were struggling to find our groove after traveling. The first night I got back she was up multiple times again wailing a wail that would tear any mama heart to pieces. I looked at the husband in the middle of trying to sooth her and said, she didn’t do this when i was gone did she? Nope. I then of course proceeded to bawl my own eyes out over making a difficult situation worse because I couldn’t see what was really happening and listen. Spending those two nights away gave me clarity of mind and heart. We stopped night nursing for good that day.
Spending that time away was remarkable good for every one.
Now that we’ve cleared the one year mark and she’s on the move I can’t help but feel nostalgic for those early days. Oh how we’ve all grown! The sands of time have clouded my memory and made me hungry for the smells of a newborn. This is a place I wasn’t sure I’d get to a year ago. It’s honestly only by the grace of God and keeping my heart open. I remember that pre-mama self, but I don’t miss her. She’s a part of me but this new role has taken hold and settled in. If I could tell my weary self anything a year ago, it would be to stop worrying, life will find a new rhythm and you will find your feet again. Faster then you ever thought possible.
I LOVE being a mama and learning right along with her. It has strengthened my marriage and brought me closer to my own mother. Even my business is better because of this journey. (working from home is a whole other post!)
It gets easier. It truly does, trust yourself and give yourself grace while you’re figuring it out.
xoxo
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